Bad start to the new year!

I haven't been able to post for a while as I've had quite a terrible time of it. I had some free time so me and the wife decided to go camping, this was a huge mistake! I suppose if we all had the benefit of hind site life would be easier, less eventful, but easier. We went to Scotland, to the Campsie Fells which contain some stunning scenery . We set up and all was well, I had plenty of Ribena, 12 Mars bars, 17 packs of crumpets and 4 blocks of Cathedral cheese, there was a little snow but we had 2 sleeping bags each.

We settled in for the night, I had a litre of Ribena, 4 crumpets with cheese on and 2 Mars bars. I suffer with post consumption narcosis so I was out for the count quite early in the night. I woke at around 4:30 am, the tent had a foul stench, it seemed to be lingering under my nose, 30 seconds of investigation revealed the smell was coming from my sleeping bags! It seemed the cheese gave me quite a good bit of flatulence, I managed to get back to sleep though, even with watering eyes.

Day 1
We woke up for the day at about 8:00 am, it was still pitch black. I tried to open the tent to go and urinate, thats when the trip turned sinister.......

We were well and truly snowed in! I tried pressing on the roof of the tent with my deceptively powerful arms, I estimated that we were covered by about eight foot of snow! I didn't panic as I was highly trained for that kind of situation, I had a 2 week stint in the scouts as a child you see. 4 hours passed and the urge to empty our bladders became too strong. I bore a small hole in the floor of the tent with my pen knife and we went about our business.
Another 2 hours passed and we grew quite hungry. Knowing we could be here for the long haul I decided to ration the food. We had 1 crumpet each with cheese then shared a Mars bar and half a litre of Ribena.6 hours later we did the same, then overcome by tiredness and boredom we went to sleep....

Day 2
Pretty much the same as day 1. I did recount quite an amusing story to my wife about a hen and a pig, my wife laughed fairly quietly, apart from that nothing happened.

Day 3
Same again, I told the story again, it only raised a grin this time though.

Day 4
Same day, same story, My wife gave no reaction to it this time though.

Day 5
Same day, same story. My wife slapped me hard across the face and shouted "shut up Eddie you f***ing idiot" I don't know how being told a story about a hen pecking a pigs foot could have provoked such a strong reaction, thats when it hit me, she had cabin fever!! I saw this in a movie and knew I didn't have much time left if I was going to survive...

I took out my pen knife and shredded through the entrance to the tent, I was then confronted by my own stupidity. There was indeed a lot of snow around, several feet in fact. And there was a lot of it on top of the tent. The reason I couldn't get out though wasn't because of all the snow after all, it was because the zip was stuck!! If I had used my knife in the first place we wouldn't have endured 5 days stuck in the tent, and more importantly my story would not have got old.

I eventually found our car, and after 30 minutes of clearing the snow I tried to start it up. It wouldn't work though. The thought of spending another night in the tent with my wife, who was fully gripped by cabin fever, was enough to persuade me to hike through the snow to find help. I hiked through blizzard conditions for what seemed like hours, checking my watch revealed I'd only been gone 12 minutes! I returned a defeated man, repaired the tent the best I could and settled in for another night.

Day 6
At 8.00am I tore my way out of the tent again and set off determined to find civilization. I walked for 4 hours and finally found life!! A lovely pub called The Barnacles Ear. I told them my dilemma and they agreed to help.As it happened the owners brother owned a snow plow, 30 minutes later I was back at my tent. We collected all our stuff and returned to the pub.
It wasn't until I'd had a shower that I realized 2 of my toes were black with frost bite, There was no way of getting to a hospital that day so we spent the night at the pub.

Day 7
The weather finally relented and I was able to get to a hospital. To spare you the grisly details I will keep my tale of the hospital visit brief. I lost 2 toes and suffered hypothermia, my wife just suffered hypothermia and mild womans whiplash, the whiplash occurred after she had attacked me on day 5.

Day 10
Thats today, and we finally got home! we spent 2 nights in the hospital and caught the train home this morning. Its so good to be back, my wife is barely speaking to me but she'll eventually see the funny side.I'm walking with quite a severe limp at the moment, I expect that will subside when i get used to having 3 toes on my left foot. I know I promised my artwork in my last post but that will have to wait a day or 2, until I find my feet again.

Stay safe
Warm Regards
Eddie

Merry New Year

Just a quick post to wish everyone a merry new year! Hope you all had a happy Christmas as well.

In the coming days I will be showcasing some off my art! The first piece will be "Insincere thumb on a stick". I hope you are looking forward to it, I know I am.

Keep safe
Yours without wax
Eddie Gomez

yuletide bereavement, sigh....

I haven't been able to update for a while as I have suffered a bereavement. Bereavements are hard any time of year, but Christmas day seems especially hard. I woke up at 5.00am, came down stairs to make a coffee, that's when I found Julian, limp and lifeless in the corner of his fish tank. He was a proud and strong balloon molly, he had such a powerful dorsal fin and a beautiful face, he looked a lot like Julian Clary, hence the name Julian.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the day got progressively worse.....

When it came time to open the presents all thoughts of Julian briefly vanished. My wife came into the living room holding a fairly large box, my eyes lit up, its the projector I've been after, I foolishly thought! I opened it to be confronted with a radio alarm clock! I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm pretty sure it was the free gift from my isp, the one I wrote about the other week. All was not lost though, she also bought me some engraved fork handles. They read "Eddy" instead of "Eddie", you can't win them all I suppose.

I bought my wife a £70.00 saddle of mutton, which I wrapped about ten days before Christmas. When she opened it the rotting flesh burnt my eyes, in my haste to rinse them I used the bucket of water I had put Julian in!! My vision was cloudy for about 20 minutes, but i can see alright now so no harm done. I also gave her a pearl necklace, the look on her face when she received it made up for my earlier disappointment.

My wife is Czechoslovakian, so she insists on having goose for Christmas dinner. This isn't so bad in itself, but she serves it guts and all, my constitution was bending under the strain of intestines and the like. She then served some kind of pudding, I still don't know what it was! It did contain a lot of sour milk and sour cream, again this is because she is Czechoslovakian. I noticed a little later my neck had swollen a couple of inches.

After dinner the dishwasher broke, water started pouring all over the floor! It was also emitting a strange smell, it smelled a bit like the rotting mutton from earlier in the day. After an extensive mopping session all that was left to do was bury Julian. He had grown too large to fit in a match box, he was the size of a eunuch's toe, I know these are large because I'm often visited by a eunuch called Vincent, he often sings me to sleep, he has such a soothing voice. I ended up constructing a coffin from the cats shelf in the garage, I then buried him whilst playing a song that was on classic FM, using my new radio alarm clock.

It had been an emotional day, I'm left feeling guilty about Julian's death. I have been studying noetic science for the last 2 years, this has left me convinced I could communicate with my fish. Perhaps my powerful human thoughts became to much for Julian's tiny fish brain? I just don't know.
I have just had a lovely piece of quiche though, and look forward to the new year with renewed hope and vigour.....

Friendship Dead!

I was sat on my new computer, browsing the web and eating some wotsits then my phone rang. The number was the same one that Jeff had text me on (read 2 posts back for details). I really did not want to answer it but I did...... Only to be greeted by Jerry!!

I asked him what he was doing with this number, he told me he had a new phone. I then said it was the exact same number "dead Jeff" had been texting me from. Jerry laughed quite hard, he said it had been a wind up!

I hung up, I'm fed up of Jerry now. I haven't slept for 3 days thinking about it, now I'm shaking with anger!! Like the time I was offered a contract at work worth £55,000 a week, I nearly crashed my car with rage!!!!! That may have been Ashley Cole, not me, anyway time to move on.

Changing the subject briefly, I thought I saw Santa Claus earlier on today, sat in my living room. It could have been old man Marley from Home Alone though, not too sure...

Message from an old friend

I haven't updated for a few days as I've been in a state of shock! I received a message from an old friend the other day, quite out of the blue. I didn't even know he was still in the country or even if he was still alive.

I was sat watching a documentary about Jazz Fusion when my phone went off. I didn't recognise the number, the text simply said "is this Eddie". I replied "yes it is, whom is this?". It turned out it was Jeff, I had not heard from him for 13 years!

We exchanged pleasantries for a few texts, then came his real motivation for texting. "I know this is out of the blue, but can you lend me £2000 mate?" I replied that I was sorry but could not afford £20 let alone £2000!

That's when things turned sinister, I can't even publish what his response was!!! I rang the number to try and reason with him but the line just went dead. In a bit of a state, I didn't know what to do so I rang Jerry.

Me and Jerry hadn't spoken for a week or so after he gave me some bad advise, I had deleted his mobile number from my phone, so I found his home number in the phone book. After explaining to Jerry what had happened, he revealed some startling information. Jeff died two years ago!!!!

This left me shaken, I'm used to ghosts in my home and garden, but haunting by text message is another thing all together! Needless to say I've gone through plenty off Jazz and hot chocolate these past two days!

Its Snowing!!

Its snowing outside, well its a blizzard if I'm honest. I wonder what the odds on a white Christmas are? This is the perfect opertunity to set up my night vision cameras and capture ghosts footsteps outside my house. There is a ghost called Cid Barlow who usually patrols outside my house, he looks a lot like Garry Coleman, he claims he used to be a security gaurd, I guess he keeps watch over my house.

Sky came calling

Bugger all has happened today, I haven't even got any mutton! Going to buy some tomorrow though, not using the same butcher, The last saddle of mutton he gave me was horrific!

Been doing a lot of reflecting today, where have all the years gone? It wasn't too long ago I did some modelling for a footwear company, nothing seems to happen nowadays.

A representative from Sky television knocked on the door at dinner time. I was just tucking into some mushroom sandwiches, You can imagine I was quite miffed! He gave me his sales pitch which quite impressed me, so I invited him in. I offered to make him a mushroom sandwich, which he declined(probably due to the lack of mutton!). I got some old photos out and put some Jazz on, it was then that he told me he was in a rush and had to get going. His loss I suppose, I've been considering getting sky television for a few months now.

I'm really downbeat today, what with the reminiscing and sky representative leaving so quickly after arriving, this is due to the lack of mutton in my system, it must release endorphins. I shall have some tomorrow though, all will be good again!!!