I haven't been able to update for a while as I have suffered a bereavement. Bereavements are hard any time of year, but Christmas day seems especially hard. I woke up at 5.00am, came down stairs to make a coffee, that's when I found Julian, limp and lifeless in the corner of his fish tank. He was a proud and strong balloon molly, he had such a powerful dorsal fin and a beautiful face, he looked a lot like Julian Clary, hence the name Julian.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the day got progressively worse.....
When it came time to open the presents all thoughts of Julian briefly vanished. My wife came into the living room holding a fairly large box, my eyes lit up, its the projector I've been after, I foolishly thought! I opened it to be confronted with a radio alarm clock! I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm pretty sure it was the free gift from my isp, the one I wrote about the other week. All was not lost though, she also bought me some engraved fork handles. They read "Eddy" instead of "Eddie", you can't win them all I suppose.
I bought my wife a £70.00 saddle of mutton, which I wrapped about ten days before Christmas. When she opened it the rotting flesh burnt my eyes, in my haste to rinse them I used the bucket of water I had put Julian in!! My vision was cloudy for about 20 minutes, but i can see alright now so no harm done. I also gave her a pearl necklace, the look on her face when she received it made up for my earlier disappointment.
My wife is Czechoslovakian, so she insists on having goose for Christmas dinner. This isn't so bad in itself, but she serves it guts and all, my constitution was bending under the strain of intestines and the like. She then served some kind of pudding, I still don't know what it was! It did contain a lot of sour milk and sour cream, again this is because she is Czechoslovakian. I noticed a little later my neck had swollen a couple of inches.
After dinner the dishwasher broke, water started pouring all over the floor! It was also emitting a strange smell, it smelled a bit like the rotting mutton from earlier in the day. After an extensive mopping session all that was left to do was bury Julian. He had grown too large to fit in a match box, he was the size of a eunuch's toe, I know these are large because I'm often visited by a eunuch called Vincent, he often sings me to sleep, he has such a soothing voice. I ended up constructing a coffin from the cats shelf in the garage, I then buried him whilst playing a song that was on classic FM, using my new radio alarm clock.
It had been an emotional day, I'm left feeling guilty about Julian's death. I have been studying noetic science for the last 2 years, this has left me convinced I could communicate with my fish. Perhaps my powerful human thoughts became to much for Julian's tiny fish brain? I just don't know.
I have just had a lovely piece of quiche though, and look forward to the new year with renewed hope and vigour.....
Tuesday 29 December 2009
Wednesday 23 December 2009
Friendship Dead!
I was sat on my new computer, browsing the web and eating some wotsits then my phone rang. The number was the same one that Jeff had text me on (read 2 posts back for details). I really did not want to answer it but I did...... Only to be greeted by Jerry!!
I asked him what he was doing with this number, he told me he had a new phone. I then said it was the exact same number "dead Jeff" had been texting me from. Jerry laughed quite hard, he said it had been a wind up!
I hung up, I'm fed up of Jerry now. I haven't slept for 3 days thinking about it, now I'm shaking with anger!! Like the time I was offered a contract at work worth £55,000 a week, I nearly crashed my car with rage!!!!! That may have been Ashley Cole, not me, anyway time to move on.
Changing the subject briefly, I thought I saw Santa Claus earlier on today, sat in my living room. It could have been old man Marley from Home Alone though, not too sure...
I asked him what he was doing with this number, he told me he had a new phone. I then said it was the exact same number "dead Jeff" had been texting me from. Jerry laughed quite hard, he said it had been a wind up!
I hung up, I'm fed up of Jerry now. I haven't slept for 3 days thinking about it, now I'm shaking with anger!! Like the time I was offered a contract at work worth £55,000 a week, I nearly crashed my car with rage!!!!! That may have been Ashley Cole, not me, anyway time to move on.
Changing the subject briefly, I thought I saw Santa Claus earlier on today, sat in my living room. It could have been old man Marley from Home Alone though, not too sure...
Sunday 20 December 2009
Message from an old friend
I haven't updated for a few days as I've been in a state of shock! I received a message from an old friend the other day, quite out of the blue. I didn't even know he was still in the country or even if he was still alive.
I was sat watching a documentary about Jazz Fusion when my phone went off. I didn't recognise the number, the text simply said "is this Eddie". I replied "yes it is, whom is this?". It turned out it was Jeff, I had not heard from him for 13 years!
We exchanged pleasantries for a few texts, then came his real motivation for texting. "I know this is out of the blue, but can you lend me £2000 mate?" I replied that I was sorry but could not afford £20 let alone £2000!
That's when things turned sinister, I can't even publish what his response was!!! I rang the number to try and reason with him but the line just went dead. In a bit of a state, I didn't know what to do so I rang Jerry.
Me and Jerry hadn't spoken for a week or so after he gave me some bad advise, I had deleted his mobile number from my phone, so I found his home number in the phone book. After explaining to Jerry what had happened, he revealed some startling information. Jeff died two years ago!!!!
This left me shaken, I'm used to ghosts in my home and garden, but haunting by text message is another thing all together! Needless to say I've gone through plenty off Jazz and hot chocolate these past two days!
I was sat watching a documentary about Jazz Fusion when my phone went off. I didn't recognise the number, the text simply said "is this Eddie". I replied "yes it is, whom is this?". It turned out it was Jeff, I had not heard from him for 13 years!
We exchanged pleasantries for a few texts, then came his real motivation for texting. "I know this is out of the blue, but can you lend me £2000 mate?" I replied that I was sorry but could not afford £20 let alone £2000!
That's when things turned sinister, I can't even publish what his response was!!! I rang the number to try and reason with him but the line just went dead. In a bit of a state, I didn't know what to do so I rang Jerry.
Me and Jerry hadn't spoken for a week or so after he gave me some bad advise, I had deleted his mobile number from my phone, so I found his home number in the phone book. After explaining to Jerry what had happened, he revealed some startling information. Jeff died two years ago!!!!
This left me shaken, I'm used to ghosts in my home and garden, but haunting by text message is another thing all together! Needless to say I've gone through plenty off Jazz and hot chocolate these past two days!
Thursday 17 December 2009
Its Snowing!!
Its snowing outside, well its a blizzard if I'm honest. I wonder what the odds on a white Christmas are? This is the perfect opertunity to set up my night vision cameras and capture ghosts footsteps outside my house. There is a ghost called Cid Barlow who usually patrols outside my house, he looks a lot like Garry Coleman, he claims he used to be a security gaurd, I guess he keeps watch over my house.
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Sky came calling
Bugger all has happened today, I haven't even got any mutton! Going to buy some tomorrow though, not using the same butcher, The last saddle of mutton he gave me was horrific!
Been doing a lot of reflecting today, where have all the years gone? It wasn't too long ago I did some modelling for a footwear company, nothing seems to happen nowadays.
A representative from Sky television knocked on the door at dinner time. I was just tucking into some mushroom sandwiches, You can imagine I was quite miffed! He gave me his sales pitch which quite impressed me, so I invited him in. I offered to make him a mushroom sandwich, which he declined(probably due to the lack of mutton!). I got some old photos out and put some Jazz on, it was then that he told me he was in a rush and had to get going. His loss I suppose, I've been considering getting sky television for a few months now.
I'm really downbeat today, what with the reminiscing and sky representative leaving so quickly after arriving, this is due to the lack of mutton in my system, it must release endorphins. I shall have some tomorrow though, all will be good again!!!
Been doing a lot of reflecting today, where have all the years gone? It wasn't too long ago I did some modelling for a footwear company, nothing seems to happen nowadays.
A representative from Sky television knocked on the door at dinner time. I was just tucking into some mushroom sandwiches, You can imagine I was quite miffed! He gave me his sales pitch which quite impressed me, so I invited him in. I offered to make him a mushroom sandwich, which he declined(probably due to the lack of mutton!). I got some old photos out and put some Jazz on, it was then that he told me he was in a rush and had to get going. His loss I suppose, I've been considering getting sky television for a few months now.
I'm really downbeat today, what with the reminiscing and sky representative leaving so quickly after arriving, this is due to the lack of mutton in my system, it must release endorphins. I shall have some tomorrow though, all will be good again!!!
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Russian message decrypted!
After a few hours of research today, I think I finally understand the message I received yesterday. If you combine sweet and water you get Sweetwater, not rocket science I know, but it's a place in Florida that was founded by Russian circus midgets.
I strongly suspect that the ghost was telling me this, and that we should not forget this fact. There is scarcely little about it on the Internet, here is one link to read more about it.
http://bobmiami.com/2007/02/27/the-city-of-sweetwater-was-founded-by-russian-circus-midgets/
Russian text cracked! Possibly
Quick update.
I've been sat up all night racking my brains over the text I wrote down earlier. If I put it into google translate it comes up with "do not forget the sweet water". I can only assume the ghost was being helpful, my wife had mentioned buying some of that flavoured water you can get. Her brother Barry is coming over to stay at the weekend and he claims that drinking tap water makes his gums swell. Its a load of shite if you ask me, but that's Barry all over!!
I'm tired now so I'll probably go to bed and listen to some jazz. I downloaded some extremely smooth stuff from http://www.allaboutjazz.com. Highly recommended, helps me sleep.
Goodnight all.....
I've been sat up all night racking my brains over the text I wrote down earlier. If I put it into google translate it comes up with "do not forget the sweet water". I can only assume the ghost was being helpful, my wife had mentioned buying some of that flavoured water you can get. Her brother Barry is coming over to stay at the weekend and he claims that drinking tap water makes his gums swell. Its a load of shite if you ask me, but that's Barry all over!!
I'm tired now so I'll probably go to bed and listen to some jazz. I downloaded some extremely smooth stuff from http://www.allaboutjazz.com. Highly recommended, helps me sleep.
Goodnight all.....
Monday 14 December 2009
Russian midget revisited
The Russian midget has been back, I still could not understand a word he said. I got my pen and paper out and let him control my body, this is what I wrote
не забывать конфета вода
What does this mean? If anybody knows Russian please leave a comment, this has me truly puzzled!
I should add that all this happened after eating a particularly large saddle of mutton that I bought from a shifty looking butcher. Perhaps the mutton was tainted? I know this can happen, I saw it on a documentary in the seventies. All these townsfolk had eaten poisoned mutton, I think it was laced with anthrax! They all ended up at the local blind school where they were treated, if they were lucky enough, many died!
On second thoughts it may have been an episode of little house on the prairie, I'm not certain though. My point is, maybe I was just poisoned and imagined the whole Russian midget thing. Possibly, possibly not, I just don't know. I might go to the toilet just in case though!
не забывать конфета вода
What does this mean? If anybody knows Russian please leave a comment, this has me truly puzzled!
I should add that all this happened after eating a particularly large saddle of mutton that I bought from a shifty looking butcher. Perhaps the mutton was tainted? I know this can happen, I saw it on a documentary in the seventies. All these townsfolk had eaten poisoned mutton, I think it was laced with anthrax! They all ended up at the local blind school where they were treated, if they were lucky enough, many died!
On second thoughts it may have been an episode of little house on the prairie, I'm not certain though. My point is, maybe I was just poisoned and imagined the whole Russian midget thing. Possibly, possibly not, I just don't know. I might go to the toilet just in case though!
BBC rejection
Just a swift update tonight. If you read my last entry you will know I emailed the BBC about appearing on the one show. I failed. I'm sorry you won't be able to see me on the television, but all is not lost! They asked if I had ever considered radio as I have the looks and personality for it.
Fingers crossed that I may get a slot on the radio in the new year. I'm thinking radio two, I will put forward my proposals for a paranormal hour, or perhaps a consumer advise hour, maybe even something to do with pigeons! I met a man last week who claimed his pigeons were worth £50,000!!!! I'm sure that would bring the listeners in, maybe even play a bit of jazz in between callers?
Strangly, I haven't been contacted by the dead today. I thought I briefly saw Robert Fripp, but he's still alive. It may have been a doorway to another dimension or the reflection from the glass panels in my dining room doors, people do tell me I'm Fripps double!
Fingers crossed that I may get a slot on the radio in the new year. I'm thinking radio two, I will put forward my proposals for a paranormal hour, or perhaps a consumer advise hour, maybe even something to do with pigeons! I met a man last week who claimed his pigeons were worth £50,000!!!! I'm sure that would bring the listeners in, maybe even play a bit of jazz in between callers?
Strangly, I haven't been contacted by the dead today. I thought I briefly saw Robert Fripp, but he's still alive. It may have been a doorway to another dimension or the reflection from the glass panels in my dining room doors, people do tell me I'm Fripps double!
Sunday 13 December 2009
Finally back online!!!!
Haven't been able to update for a few days as I broke my modem. It stopped working the other day, so I spoke with my friend Jerry who suggested it may need re-flowing, or something like that. Anyway, he said to put it in the microwave for a minute and it would sort it out, he also claimed this would give me a hundred meg connection!!
I cautiously put it in the microwave, I set it for 55 seconds just to be on the safe side. It started sparking and crackling and then some sort of ectoplasm formed and I think I saw the ghost of Kiefer Sutherland from when he dies in that film called Flat liners.
I let it continue for the full 55 seconds, Kiefer looked a bit narked but I had a blog to update, so it was tough titties Kiefer! The microwave finally pinged and I removed the modem,it was boiling hot so I put it the freezer for a bit to cool off. When I finally plugged it back in it didn't work! I rang Jerry and he just laughed and said "I was joking you idiot". Me and Jerry don't talk anymore.
After all that debacle I went to the local PC store and told them my predicament, they could see I was quite tech savvy because I told them I have a blog to update. They suggested i buy the Netgear DGNB2100 N300 Modem Router which cost £119.99. They said this would really take advantage of my 1meg broadband. I also told them what had happened to my old modem and they said i most probably blew my old motherboard when I reconnected it, so suggested I buy the Sony L11S1E/S - All-in-one PC with 25" touchscreen monitor which cost me £1,399.99. They said that using the Internet and blogging was really intensive on the processor and this computer would make it a breeze!
After acquiring my bargains I got home and set them all up. They really are brilliant! My Internet has never been smoother, and this blog update was a pleasure. The main downside is that I injured my right index finger 2 years ago when I was shot by a laser beam from an alien spacecraft. It left it quite withered so using the touchscreen isn't all that easy for me.
I would just like to say that anybody looking to upgrade their PC equipment, don't be afraid to let them know how much knowledge you have. Don't feel intimidated, you probably know more than them! You could end up with the bargains I have.
I also emailed the ONESHOW to tell them about this, and enquired about maybe filling in for Dom Littlewood(he's the small bald guy who gives consumer advise) when he can't be on, so I will probably be on the T.V in the new year!
I cautiously put it in the microwave, I set it for 55 seconds just to be on the safe side. It started sparking and crackling and then some sort of ectoplasm formed and I think I saw the ghost of Kiefer Sutherland from when he dies in that film called Flat liners.
I let it continue for the full 55 seconds, Kiefer looked a bit narked but I had a blog to update, so it was tough titties Kiefer! The microwave finally pinged and I removed the modem,it was boiling hot so I put it the freezer for a bit to cool off. When I finally plugged it back in it didn't work! I rang Jerry and he just laughed and said "I was joking you idiot". Me and Jerry don't talk anymore.
After all that debacle I went to the local PC store and told them my predicament, they could see I was quite tech savvy because I told them I have a blog to update. They suggested i buy the Netgear DGNB2100 N300 Modem Router which cost £119.99. They said this would really take advantage of my 1meg broadband. I also told them what had happened to my old modem and they said i most probably blew my old motherboard when I reconnected it, so suggested I buy the Sony L11S1E/S - All-in-one PC with 25" touchscreen monitor which cost me £1,399.99. They said that using the Internet and blogging was really intensive on the processor and this computer would make it a breeze!
After acquiring my bargains I got home and set them all up. They really are brilliant! My Internet has never been smoother, and this blog update was a pleasure. The main downside is that I injured my right index finger 2 years ago when I was shot by a laser beam from an alien spacecraft. It left it quite withered so using the touchscreen isn't all that easy for me.
I would just like to say that anybody looking to upgrade their PC equipment, don't be afraid to let them know how much knowledge you have. Don't feel intimidated, you probably know more than them! You could end up with the bargains I have.
I also emailed the ONESHOW to tell them about this, and enquired about maybe filling in for Dom Littlewood(he's the small bald guy who gives consumer advise) when he can't be on, so I will probably be on the T.V in the new year!
Wednesday 9 December 2009
I went to the future!
I was sat on the toilet this morning trying to expell quite a heavy stool when it happened, I saw the future! As I was pushing I became extremely light headed then had my future vision.
I saw myself making a phone call to my isp about a free gift they had promised me but was yet to recieve. I also saw myself making a cup of tea and two mutton and mushroom sandwiches. The light headedness then passed and the vision finished.
Thats when the truely remarkable happened, it all came true! I finished in the bathroom, went downstairs and called my isp. I spoke with a nice Indian fella called Steve, who told me to email them as there was a problem with the postage of my free gift. I then made a cup of tea and two mutton and mushroom sandwiches!
This may seem too unbelievable to the average person, but this is not so strange for me, strange things happen to me all the time. Sceptics among you may just think my vision of the future were just thought processes, but I'm the biggest sceptic out there and I'm pretty sure I went into the future.
I saw myself making a phone call to my isp about a free gift they had promised me but was yet to recieve. I also saw myself making a cup of tea and two mutton and mushroom sandwiches. The light headedness then passed and the vision finished.
Thats when the truely remarkable happened, it all came true! I finished in the bathroom, went downstairs and called my isp. I spoke with a nice Indian fella called Steve, who told me to email them as there was a problem with the postage of my free gift. I then made a cup of tea and two mutton and mushroom sandwiches!
This may seem too unbelievable to the average person, but this is not so strange for me, strange things happen to me all the time. Sceptics among you may just think my vision of the future were just thought processes, but I'm the biggest sceptic out there and I'm pretty sure I went into the future.
Tuesday 8 December 2009
Shape shifter update
After the wife suggesting the shape shifter was a moth, I did a bit of research. The results were quite startling, it turns out moths are real! After digging a bit further I think I found a picture of the one that attacked me, it turns out my measurments were wrong, it was in fact a lot bigger than i thought, but thats no suprise as I am quite an understated person and don't like to exagerate things too much.
The picture above is the one that attacked me. The picture and article about it can be found here
http://www.cairns.com.au/article/2008/05/16/3881_local-news.html
Notice how the moth is shape shifting and is sprouting a childs head and shoulders! I find it strange that nowhere in the article is this picked up on, the comments below the article all neglect this fact aswell.
I think this is proof I saw a shape shifter tonight, I was just lucky it hadn't fully morphed itself. I now believe that it was in the process when it attacked me. I may have saved lives tonight!
Shape shifter!!!!
Quick update about tonights visitor........
A shape shifter appeared as I was sat watching tv. It wasn't the Jewish kind like on that documentary film Borat, it was an actual shape shifter that morphed itself before my eyes!
It was on my living room wall, kind of attached to it. It was about 3 inches long and maybe half an inch wide. As I got closer to communicate with it thats when it morphed!
It sprouted wings right before my eyes, this made it still 3 inches long but about 5 inches wide.
I got in real close to take a better look and I noticed it had camaflaged itself to match my wallpaper. It was then that it tried to kill me!! it came straight for me, I managed to knock it down to the ground then beat it with my slipper. Thats when the darndest thing happened, It cremated itself! It was literally a pile of dust!
I just told my wife what had happened and she said it was a "moth", whatever that is. She also said they turn to dust when they are killed! Now I admit I dont remember seeing flames when it cremated itself, but to suggest something would just turn to dust is a bit far fetched.
To summarise I think that maybe it was a shape shifter, and I don't like saying this but I think my wife might be just a little bit "crazy", A "moth".............
MY ARSE!!!
A shape shifter appeared as I was sat watching tv. It wasn't the Jewish kind like on that documentary film Borat, it was an actual shape shifter that morphed itself before my eyes!
It was on my living room wall, kind of attached to it. It was about 3 inches long and maybe half an inch wide. As I got closer to communicate with it thats when it morphed!
It sprouted wings right before my eyes, this made it still 3 inches long but about 5 inches wide.
I got in real close to take a better look and I noticed it had camaflaged itself to match my wallpaper. It was then that it tried to kill me!! it came straight for me, I managed to knock it down to the ground then beat it with my slipper. Thats when the darndest thing happened, It cremated itself! It was literally a pile of dust!
I just told my wife what had happened and she said it was a "moth", whatever that is. She also said they turn to dust when they are killed! Now I admit I dont remember seeing flames when it cremated itself, but to suggest something would just turn to dust is a bit far fetched.
To summarise I think that maybe it was a shape shifter, and I don't like saying this but I think my wife might be just a little bit "crazy", A "moth".............
MY ARSE!!!
Russian Midgets and mutton
I'm sat in my living room minding my own business, eating a cold mutton and mushroom sandwich. All of a sudden the power went out, I was left in total darkness. I always keep a battery powered led lantern near by for such occasions, anyway i switch it on and in the gloomy light that it casts i saw what can only be described as a Russian midget.
It was saying something to me but i couldn't understand it, it was quite muffled and I'm sure it was spoken in Russian, I don't speak Russian so i couldn't really communicate with him properly. Just as i was getting closer the lights came back on.
With the lights back on I could see it was only my golf clubs I had seen, but why were they speaking in Russian? It maybe could have been the neighbours I heard but they don't speak Russian, so it leads me to believe it was in fact a Russian who had some how appeared to me through my golf clubs.
Its all very strange, but seeing how I see ghosts everyday i shouldn't be surprised anymore. I will update later or tomorrow depending on what or who I see next.
P.S it may have been Portuguese it spoke, not Russian. They do sound alike don't you think?
It was saying something to me but i couldn't understand it, it was quite muffled and I'm sure it was spoken in Russian, I don't speak Russian so i couldn't really communicate with him properly. Just as i was getting closer the lights came back on.
With the lights back on I could see it was only my golf clubs I had seen, but why were they speaking in Russian? It maybe could have been the neighbours I heard but they don't speak Russian, so it leads me to believe it was in fact a Russian who had some how appeared to me through my golf clubs.
Its all very strange, but seeing how I see ghosts everyday i shouldn't be surprised anymore. I will update later or tomorrow depending on what or who I see next.
P.S it may have been Portuguese it spoke, not Russian. They do sound alike don't you think?
Monday 7 December 2009
Eric the craftsman
It was about 6.30 this morning when I went outside to put some trash in my dustbin. Walking down the path past my garden shed i noticed a small amount of smoke drifting through the gaps in the roof.
I cautiously opened the door and was confronted by a rather large cat perched on a shelf that I'm sure i didn't put there! The smoke I thought I'd seen wasn't smoke at all, it was warm cat breath from the large black moggy. The cat had a tag round his neck that said "Eric".
Mystery solved i thought, I was wrong. Just as I was about to leave a voice said "do you like the shelf?" "I put it there, Its for my cat Reg." I looked around but no one else was there.
I'm left wondering if this was a ghost, or more likely it was the cat that spoke? thinking about it logically it would be hard for a cat to build a shelf, but it's quite common for cats to own other cats, and in most cases they would give them a name.
What do you think? I've been left quite confused by it all.
I cautiously opened the door and was confronted by a rather large cat perched on a shelf that I'm sure i didn't put there! The smoke I thought I'd seen wasn't smoke at all, it was warm cat breath from the large black moggy. The cat had a tag round his neck that said "Eric".
Mystery solved i thought, I was wrong. Just as I was about to leave a voice said "do you like the shelf?" "I put it there, Its for my cat Reg." I looked around but no one else was there.
I'm left wondering if this was a ghost, or more likely it was the cat that spoke? thinking about it logically it would be hard for a cat to build a shelf, but it's quite common for cats to own other cats, and in most cases they would give them a name.
What do you think? I've been left quite confused by it all.
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