After having spent what felt like an eternity on the alien spacecraft, I hatched an escape plan.
I'd constructed a very usable sling shot using my socks and hair, I'd woven the hair with ear wax over a period of six months to stiffen it enough to use as the frame, then i ripped the elastic from my socks to use as the pull band.
Since the aliens were keeping me in a giant ant farm my diet consisted purely of sugar and water, and the lack of any toothpaste had made my teeth quite weak. This gave me the perfect ammunition for my slingshot.
After removing four teeth I was ready to blast my way out! I loaded up the first tooth, pulled back slowly on my sock elastic.......
My hair and wax frame failed me, it just bent and drooped sadly in my hand, like a depressed swan. This didn't faze me though, if my uncle François Bertrand had taught me anything, it was that giving up was not an option! Persevere till the end!!
With my uncles words ringing in my exceptionally clean ears I saw my opportunity. We'd come to a stop in a field in Sweetwater, Florida. The four aliens were in a huddle performing what I first thought was group masturbation, on closer inspection I think they were cleaning their toes.
I used the time I had and slid down the poop chute and into the field below. The grass felt warm on my one bare foot, the sun burnt my eyes, my breath smelt like shit, but I was free! I crawled several miles to a small shed in the heart of the field. Once there I looked back and saw I had only crawled about 50 meters, I'd also left my wife behind. It was to late for her though, I couldn't even recall seeing her in the previous 6 months.
Inside the shed I collected my thoughts, the enormity of my ordeal was trying to break me. I refused to let it win. I peered out to see where the spacecraft was but it had disappeared, without a trace. I lay my head down and slept, I hadn't slept for the previous six months!
I eventually woke in a hospital bed, my wife sat at the side of me. What was going on? I didn't understand any of it!!
Apparently I had been in a coma for a year. on the night I thought I'd been abducted, my wife had become extremely frustrated at my constant jazz performances on the patio, ran out and punched me twice in the throat. I fell down and bumped my head, this left me in a coma.
What I still cant explain though is the short hand diary I have written all over my arms and legs. The doctors say its a rash, I tried to explain that it matches the short hand writing I developed in the eighties, but they wont listen! They say I'm confused because of the coma!!
Confused? Not me! Once I translate it back I can't wait to see the confusion on their faces!
As you can imagine, I've had a lot to take in these past few weeks. I learned the country is being run by a man who looks like seagull, crafty shape shifters should never be trusted. Never.
Zůstat v teple a zdravý
Eddie
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Monday 4 April 2011
Alien abduction is not funny!
Sorry its been a while since I last posted anything. I was, quite rudely I might add, abducted by aliens last year.
I'd been working on something I called "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT". It is completely different to other music using Non-lexical vocables, and I had a really good feeling about it. Maybe that's why the aliens abducted me? It could have revolutionised the music industry!
Anyhow, I was sitting on the patio in my back garden, it was a reasonably satisfying 12 degrees centigrade. My throat had become a little dry with the powerful scatting I had been performing so I was drinking a bottle of crabbies (alcohol infused ginger beer) which I was thoroughly enjoying. It was only my twelfth bottle so I was still very much of sound mind.
That's when I heard the sound, a sound I'd heard years before and knew I would hear again.
An alien spacecraft was descending into my back garden! This would startle most people, not me though. Regular readers will know I have a withered finger as a result of an alien spacecraft many years ago.
What did surprise me though was the fact that the spacecraft appeared to be the very same one I'd encountered years back! It had some yellow tape crudely plastered over a hole I'd made when I threw a rock at it. That may sound unreasonable, but if a spaceship withers your finger you would naturally throw a rock at it.
I was quite prepared for this though, as I had been working on my "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT" I had my Bontempi Keyboard with me. In the late seventies I had seen a documentary called Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so I knew I had to play the right combination of five musical notes to communicate with it. Now maybe it was the Crabbies, maybe it was the "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT" or maybe a combination of the two, but when I came to play the five notes a sudden and uncontrollable jazz spasm enveloped me! I was firing jazz at the spacecraft from all angles!!
This must have upset the aliens, because the next thing I know I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the spacecraft. There was no door on the spacecraft, I just sort of "passed through" the exterior walls. Whilst on board I suddenly realised that my wife wasn't with me, so I told the aliens (which I couldn't see at this point) that my wife was in the bath, and if they took me without her she would be vey upset with me! They obviously understood, suddenly out of nowhere my wife appeared, all naked and wet, just like the 85lb carp I caught back in the summer of 82.
After explaining to my wife why she was there, that I didn't want her to miss the experience, she punched me in the throat, twice!! She is very powerfull my wife, thats why I have no shame in admitting that I lost consiousness for three days.
When I finally woke up I could hear the aliens, but I still could not see them. They sounded like Barry White would if he was underwater. I decided I should keep a record of the abduction, so I wrote a diary on my legs and arms using a short hand I developed in the early eighties. Once Ive translated it back I will be publishing the diary, it should make for an interesting read.
To read the full details of my time on the spacecraft you will have to wait for the diary to be published. Tomorrow I will post the details of my escape.
láska k vám a vy
Eddie
I'd been working on something I called "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT". It is completely different to other music using Non-lexical vocables, and I had a really good feeling about it. Maybe that's why the aliens abducted me? It could have revolutionised the music industry!
Anyhow, I was sitting on the patio in my back garden, it was a reasonably satisfying 12 degrees centigrade. My throat had become a little dry with the powerful scatting I had been performing so I was drinking a bottle of crabbies (alcohol infused ginger beer) which I was thoroughly enjoying. It was only my twelfth bottle so I was still very much of sound mind.
That's when I heard the sound, a sound I'd heard years before and knew I would hear again.
An alien spacecraft was descending into my back garden! This would startle most people, not me though. Regular readers will know I have a withered finger as a result of an alien spacecraft many years ago.
What did surprise me though was the fact that the spacecraft appeared to be the very same one I'd encountered years back! It had some yellow tape crudely plastered over a hole I'd made when I threw a rock at it. That may sound unreasonable, but if a spaceship withers your finger you would naturally throw a rock at it.
I was quite prepared for this though, as I had been working on my "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT" I had my Bontempi Keyboard with me. In the late seventies I had seen a documentary called Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so I knew I had to play the right combination of five musical notes to communicate with it. Now maybe it was the Crabbies, maybe it was the "TWENTY FIRST CENTURY JAZZ SCAT" or maybe a combination of the two, but when I came to play the five notes a sudden and uncontrollable jazz spasm enveloped me! I was firing jazz at the spacecraft from all angles!!
This must have upset the aliens, because the next thing I know I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the spacecraft. There was no door on the spacecraft, I just sort of "passed through" the exterior walls. Whilst on board I suddenly realised that my wife wasn't with me, so I told the aliens (which I couldn't see at this point) that my wife was in the bath, and if they took me without her she would be vey upset with me! They obviously understood, suddenly out of nowhere my wife appeared, all naked and wet, just like the 85lb carp I caught back in the summer of 82.
After explaining to my wife why she was there, that I didn't want her to miss the experience, she punched me in the throat, twice!! She is very powerfull my wife, thats why I have no shame in admitting that I lost consiousness for three days.
When I finally woke up I could hear the aliens, but I still could not see them. They sounded like Barry White would if he was underwater. I decided I should keep a record of the abduction, so I wrote a diary on my legs and arms using a short hand I developed in the early eighties. Once Ive translated it back I will be publishing the diary, it should make for an interesting read.
To read the full details of my time on the spacecraft you will have to wait for the diary to be published. Tomorrow I will post the details of my escape.
láska k vám a vy
Eddie
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