is this advert based on me?

I was sat watching television this evening when Jerry rang. He told me to switch over straight away because I was on the T.V! I did, and low and behold it was me!! Well it wasn't me, but We do look quite similar don't you think? youtube vid here.

The mans life seems to bare an uncanny resemblance to mine. Was the man in question based on me? Probably not, but its nice to think that maybe my life has inspired the advertisement folk. I think maybe a documentary following my life would be good, I may email my friend at the BBC!

Untold Urban Legends

As promised I've started my Urban legends blog, you can get to it by clicking the link in the title of this post or clicking here

I will update it more when I've decyphered my notes.

Tale Of The Cursed Telegraph Pole

It seems certain forces are working against me! For one reason or another I never seem to be able to update as often as I would like. The latest reason is the cursed telegraph pole opposite my house.
It does have previous this telegraph pole, it also reveals an alarming pattern to its curse!

In February 2008 I was sat listening to an album by a man called "Jazzy Jeff". It was not what I was expecting at all, but I did find my foot tapping furiously in time to the music. It was around this point that I realised how unseasonably warm I was feeling, was it the furious foot movements, or something more terrifying? I then noticed an alarming orange hue had enveloped my living room. I stepped outside to compose myself and was hit by a massive blaze! A car had been set alight in front of the telegraph pole that served my (and numerous other) home(s).

It was such a sickening sight to see something so majestic reduced to a whimpering mess of flailing wires and ash, like a giraffe being tortured by evil zoo keepers!
What was even more sickening however was the fact that my beautiful new window frames had melted and resembled a sad old man, a sad old man crying over the loss of his 15 year old whippet Sean. R.I.P Sean.
I was also without phone and broadband for 10 days, I was dead inside.

In February 2009 I was preparing for a deep sleep, I was very tired. I had just put my Jazz Olympics DVD on (it always helps me sleep) when i heard an almighty crash happen outside my house. I pulled back the curtain, fearing what I would be faced with. I was right to be fearful! The telegraph pole had been brought to its knees, hunched over a neighbours garden wall, like an old man after chasing his golden whippet Sean, but the whippet had veered into the road and been killed instantly. R.I.P Sean.

I started to sob into my flannel pajamas, my wife shouted "stop it Eddie! its only a telegraph pole!" "Only a telegraph pole!!!" I raged. but there was no telling her, I tried explaining the true magnificence of these majestic structures, it all fell on deaf ears though.
It transpired that two men of questionable character had been racing two massive transit vans down the road, one lost control and took out the pole. Neither man was hurt unfortunately.
I was hurt though, deeply. This event left me without phone and broadband for ten days!

February 2010, ten days ago in fact. I was sat working on my new book "Jazz foundations"(working title, more on that another time) when I heard a tremendous amount of tires screeching outside the house. I rushed to observe the cause of such mayhem. I was left staring at my worst nightmare!!
The wires attached to the telegraph pole had been sheered straight off!! The culprit was an RC Helicopter, the distinctive markings enabled me to identify it as belonging to Colin Britchmore.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Colin, he's a lovely fella. We've shared a few mutton joints in our time, but if there is one thing that gripes me about him, its his helicopter. There is a big field behind the opposite row of houses, substantial enough to fly kites, but I've warned him on numerous occasions that its far to close to the telegraph pole to fly helicopters. He has never heeded my warnings and he will have to live with the tragic consequences for the rest of his life.

He'd lost control, dipped over the houses and into the road, causing a three car pile up. Before gaining altitude and sheering through three wires connected to the telegraph pole. luckily no one died, I think one person suffered minor woman's whiplash.
Yet again this left me without phone and broadband for ten days!

My conclusion to all this is that the telegraph pole must be cursed. The last three years, always in February and I'm cut off for precisely ten days. If you take the days in February and times them by 3 for the last 3 years you get 84. Then take away 20 of the days I was without my phone you get 64. Then add 2 which represents the month of February to get 66. Then times it by the remanding 10 days I was without phone and broadband and you get 666!!! The number of the beast!! Spooky coincidence? I think not.

From bad to worse

After my start to the new year I felt confident in thinking things would only get better, I was slightly wrong. My limp has progressed to a mild hobble, which is good. My chest and sinuses developed an infection, which is bad. Just to round things off nicely I developed quite a severe case of the winter vomiting virus, which is still ongoing, but has subsided sufficiently for me to be able to use the computer.

During this time I was in some quite severe fevered states, these led to some astonishing visions of the future! I only managed to write two of them down though. I didn't see anything in them, but heard them like they were being reported on the radio, it was the calm matter of fact voice that was the most chilling aspect of them. You can read them below.

1. A figure going by the name "Sign......(I can't remember the 2nd part)" will come to earth on the 21st of December 2012, He will carry a piece of stone (can't remember what it was called) so dense and heavy it will push earth out of orbit. Only the very long limbed will survive, Peter Crouch, Spiders and baby deer, that sort of thing.
2. In the summer of 2018 a 26 year old man named "Jack" will do great things. He will be our saviour!

I think the first vision was due to the fact I'd been reading a lot about the earth ending on the winter solstice in 2012. you can read more here. I don't believe this to be true personally, why? Because I wouldn't be having visions about 2018 if it were, would I?

The second vision is more important. After many hours of research I believe it to be a prediction that England will win the world cup in 2018. The "Jack" in question i believe to be Jack Wilshere. The world cup will take place in England in 2018, Thats not official, but it will. You heard here first!

To any readers concerned about 2012, don't be. It won't happen. Like I said, my vision was all to do with several days of reading, fever, and the consumption of several pounds of cheese. I buy my cheese ready grated now, its much easier to eat this way. I went through about 15 bags leading up to the vision. If you are still worried, how about joining your local reincarnation society? I joined mine, it cost £1000! A bit steep I know, but I thought "bugger it, you only live once".

One last note. I have been researching "Urban Legends" for the past thirty years. I've uncovered many astonishing Legends, many of them only heard by a few people. I will be creating a new Blog to share my findings. I will of course post the link here.

I look forward to Blogging until 2012 and beyond!
Srdečným pozdravem
Eddie

Bad start to the new year!

I haven't been able to post for a while as I've had quite a terrible time of it. I had some free time so me and the wife decided to go camping, this was a huge mistake! I suppose if we all had the benefit of hind site life would be easier, less eventful, but easier. We went to Scotland, to the Campsie Fells which contain some stunning scenery . We set up and all was well, I had plenty of Ribena, 12 Mars bars, 17 packs of crumpets and 4 blocks of Cathedral cheese, there was a little snow but we had 2 sleeping bags each.

We settled in for the night, I had a litre of Ribena, 4 crumpets with cheese on and 2 Mars bars. I suffer with post consumption narcosis so I was out for the count quite early in the night. I woke at around 4:30 am, the tent had a foul stench, it seemed to be lingering under my nose, 30 seconds of investigation revealed the smell was coming from my sleeping bags! It seemed the cheese gave me quite a good bit of flatulence, I managed to get back to sleep though, even with watering eyes.

Day 1
We woke up for the day at about 8:00 am, it was still pitch black. I tried to open the tent to go and urinate, thats when the trip turned sinister.......

We were well and truly snowed in! I tried pressing on the roof of the tent with my deceptively powerful arms, I estimated that we were covered by about eight foot of snow! I didn't panic as I was highly trained for that kind of situation, I had a 2 week stint in the scouts as a child you see. 4 hours passed and the urge to empty our bladders became too strong. I bore a small hole in the floor of the tent with my pen knife and we went about our business.
Another 2 hours passed and we grew quite hungry. Knowing we could be here for the long haul I decided to ration the food. We had 1 crumpet each with cheese then shared a Mars bar and half a litre of Ribena.6 hours later we did the same, then overcome by tiredness and boredom we went to sleep....

Day 2
Pretty much the same as day 1. I did recount quite an amusing story to my wife about a hen and a pig, my wife laughed fairly quietly, apart from that nothing happened.

Day 3
Same again, I told the story again, it only raised a grin this time though.

Day 4
Same day, same story, My wife gave no reaction to it this time though.

Day 5
Same day, same story. My wife slapped me hard across the face and shouted "shut up Eddie you f***ing idiot" I don't know how being told a story about a hen pecking a pigs foot could have provoked such a strong reaction, thats when it hit me, she had cabin fever!! I saw this in a movie and knew I didn't have much time left if I was going to survive...

I took out my pen knife and shredded through the entrance to the tent, I was then confronted by my own stupidity. There was indeed a lot of snow around, several feet in fact. And there was a lot of it on top of the tent. The reason I couldn't get out though wasn't because of all the snow after all, it was because the zip was stuck!! If I had used my knife in the first place we wouldn't have endured 5 days stuck in the tent, and more importantly my story would not have got old.

I eventually found our car, and after 30 minutes of clearing the snow I tried to start it up. It wouldn't work though. The thought of spending another night in the tent with my wife, who was fully gripped by cabin fever, was enough to persuade me to hike through the snow to find help. I hiked through blizzard conditions for what seemed like hours, checking my watch revealed I'd only been gone 12 minutes! I returned a defeated man, repaired the tent the best I could and settled in for another night.

Day 6
At 8.00am I tore my way out of the tent again and set off determined to find civilization. I walked for 4 hours and finally found life!! A lovely pub called The Barnacles Ear. I told them my dilemma and they agreed to help.As it happened the owners brother owned a snow plow, 30 minutes later I was back at my tent. We collected all our stuff and returned to the pub.
It wasn't until I'd had a shower that I realized 2 of my toes were black with frost bite, There was no way of getting to a hospital that day so we spent the night at the pub.

Day 7
The weather finally relented and I was able to get to a hospital. To spare you the grisly details I will keep my tale of the hospital visit brief. I lost 2 toes and suffered hypothermia, my wife just suffered hypothermia and mild womans whiplash, the whiplash occurred after she had attacked me on day 5.

Day 10
Thats today, and we finally got home! we spent 2 nights in the hospital and caught the train home this morning. Its so good to be back, my wife is barely speaking to me but she'll eventually see the funny side.I'm walking with quite a severe limp at the moment, I expect that will subside when i get used to having 3 toes on my left foot. I know I promised my artwork in my last post but that will have to wait a day or 2, until I find my feet again.

Stay safe
Warm Regards
Eddie

Merry New Year

Just a quick post to wish everyone a merry new year! Hope you all had a happy Christmas as well.

In the coming days I will be showcasing some off my art! The first piece will be "Insincere thumb on a stick". I hope you are looking forward to it, I know I am.

Keep safe
Yours without wax
Eddie Gomez