It seems certain forces are working against me! For one reason or another I never seem to be able to update as often as I would like. The latest reason is the cursed telegraph pole opposite my house.
It does have previous this telegraph pole, it also reveals an alarming pattern to its curse!
In February 2008 I was sat listening to an album by a man called "Jazzy Jeff". It was not what I was expecting at all, but I did find my foot tapping furiously in time to the music. It was around this point that I realised how unseasonably warm I was feeling, was it the furious foot movements, or something more terrifying? I then noticed an alarming orange hue had enveloped my living room. I stepped outside to compose myself and was hit by a massive blaze! A car had been set alight in front of the telegraph pole that served my (and numerous other) home(s).
It was such a sickening sight to see something so majestic reduced to a whimpering mess of flailing wires and ash, like a giraffe being tortured by evil zoo keepers!
What was even more sickening however was the fact that my beautiful new window frames had melted and resembled a sad old man, a sad old man crying over the loss of his 15 year old whippet Sean. R.I.P Sean.
I was also without phone and broadband for 10 days, I was dead inside.
In February 2009 I was preparing for a deep sleep, I was very tired. I had just put my Jazz Olympics DVD on (it always helps me sleep) when i heard an almighty crash happen outside my house. I pulled back the curtain, fearing what I would be faced with. I was right to be fearful! The telegraph pole had been brought to its knees, hunched over a neighbours garden wall, like an old man after chasing his golden whippet Sean, but the whippet had veered into the road and been killed instantly. R.I.P Sean.
I started to sob into my flannel pajamas, my wife shouted "stop it Eddie! its only a telegraph pole!" "Only a telegraph pole!!!" I raged. but there was no telling her, I tried explaining the true magnificence of these majestic structures, it all fell on deaf ears though.
It transpired that two men of questionable character had been racing two massive transit vans down the road, one lost control and took out the pole. Neither man was hurt unfortunately.
I was hurt though, deeply. This event left me without phone and broadband for ten days!
February 2010, ten days ago in fact. I was sat working on my new book "Jazz foundations"(working title, more on that another time) when I heard a tremendous amount of tires screeching outside the house. I rushed to observe the cause of such mayhem. I was left staring at my worst nightmare!!
The wires attached to the telegraph pole had been sheered straight off!! The culprit was an RC Helicopter, the distinctive markings enabled me to identify it as belonging to Colin Britchmore.
Now don't get me wrong, I like Colin, he's a lovely fella. We've shared a few mutton joints in our time, but if there is one thing that gripes me about him, its his helicopter. There is a big field behind the opposite row of houses, substantial enough to fly kites, but I've warned him on numerous occasions that its far to close to the telegraph pole to fly helicopters. He has never heeded my warnings and he will have to live with the tragic consequences for the rest of his life.
He'd lost control, dipped over the houses and into the road, causing a three car pile up. Before gaining altitude and sheering through three wires connected to the telegraph pole. luckily no one died, I think one person suffered minor woman's whiplash.
Yet again this left me without phone and broadband for ten days!
My conclusion to all this is that the telegraph pole must be cursed. The last three years, always in February and I'm cut off for precisely ten days. If you take the days in February and times them by 3 for the last 3 years you get 84. Then take away 20 of the days I was without my phone you get 64. Then add 2 which represents the month of February to get 66. Then times it by the remanding 10 days I was without phone and broadband and you get 666!!! The number of the beast!! Spooky coincidence? I think not.
