Alien abduction is not funny! The escape.

After having spent what felt like an eternity on the alien spacecraft, I hatched an escape plan.
I'd constructed a very usable sling shot using my socks and hair, I'd woven the hair with ear wax over a period of six months to stiffen it enough to use as the frame, then i ripped the elastic from my socks to use as the pull band.
Since the aliens were keeping me in a giant ant farm my diet consisted purely of sugar and water, and the lack of any toothpaste had made my teeth quite weak. This gave me the perfect ammunition for my slingshot.

After removing four teeth I was ready to blast my way out! I loaded up the first tooth, pulled back slowly on my sock elastic.......

My hair and wax frame failed me, it just bent and drooped sadly in my hand, like a depressed swan. This didn't faze me though, if my uncle François Bertrand had taught me anything, it was that giving up was not an option! Persevere till the end!!
With my uncles words ringing in my exceptionally clean ears I saw my opportunity. We'd come to a stop in a field in Sweetwater, Florida. The four aliens were in a huddle performing what I first thought was group masturbation, on closer inspection I think they were cleaning their toes.

I used the time I had and slid down the poop chute and into the field below. The grass felt warm on my one bare foot, the sun burnt my eyes, my breath smelt like shit, but I was free! I crawled several miles to a small shed in the heart of the field. Once there I looked back and saw I had only crawled about 50 meters, I'd also left my wife behind. It was to late for her though, I couldn't even recall seeing her in the previous 6 months.

Inside the shed I collected my thoughts, the enormity of my ordeal was trying to break me. I refused to let it win. I peered out to see where the spacecraft was but it had disappeared, without a trace. I lay my head down and slept, I hadn't slept for the previous six months!

I eventually woke in a hospital bed, my wife sat at the side of me. What was going on? I didn't understand any of it!!

Apparently I had been in a coma for a year. on the night I thought I'd been abducted, my wife had become extremely frustrated at my constant jazz performances on the patio, ran out and punched me twice in the throat. I fell down and bumped my head, this left me in a coma.
What I still cant explain though is the short hand diary I have written all over my arms and legs. The doctors say its a rash, I tried to explain that it matches the short hand writing I developed in the eighties, but they wont listen! They say I'm confused because of the coma!!
Confused? Not me! Once I translate it back I can't wait to see the confusion on their faces!

As you can imagine, I've had a lot to take in these past few weeks. I learned the country is being run by a man who looks like seagull, crafty shape shifters should never be trusted. Never.

Zůstat v teple a zdravý
Eddie